7One chapter closed.
I made a promise to myself after I left MA to never stay in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, that did not serve to improve me, or where I settled for less than what I deserve and owe myself.
My relationship with FM guy really finally did end. I really did think we’d stay friends but I guess we can’t. It sucks to lose to him because I genuinely did like him. When he finally told me that he didn’t trust me anymore and that he couldn’t be friends with me, it didn’t hurt that much. Or at least as much as I thought it would. I think I was just tired of fighting; I’d spent the last few months trying to make it work that giving up seemed easier at this point.
I’m not necessarily insecure about my physical appearance (not that I don’t obsess over it sometimes), but more so, I’m insecure about me. That I’m not charming, funny, intelligent, etc enough. It’s a paralyzing sort of insecurity.
I’m afraid that I’m at the point now where if I were to lose Z, it’d hurt. And I’m not sure if it’d even bother him. For the first time since meeting him, last night (and this morning), something felt off. Where I felt unsettled like I might be losing him. Or maybe it’s all in my head.
I think that’s the main problem with insecurity - it never really goes away.
