a year later.
a year ago, i was in taiwan when i got a msg from ZM and we made plans to grab a drink when i got back stateside. i can’t believe a year has gone by since we first started talking; it feels like only a short period of time has gone by. i think as a pair we’ve grown a bit since we’ve met, for the better. we’ve learned some of our quirks, our likes, and our dislikes. i read a quote recently that says we’re not supposed to dwell on the past or anticipate the future with fear but rather, we should learn to appreciate relationships in the present and that is what i intend to learn how to do. i know i haven’t told him that i love him but that’s because feelings and love have never come easy for me. i never learned, as a child, how to express myself because i was scared to; for me, feelings were a sign of vulnerability and weakness. I learned how to show my feelings through actions but never words. i guess we’ll see what the next year brings us and the holidays are upon us. i’m thankful to have met him, to have him in my life, and i’m glad we’ve had the time that we’ve had. i look forward to more learning, experiencing, and loving with ZM.
a year ago, i was working at a sustainable food and beverage company that was just emerging from its infancy and recuperating from the move from Brooklyn to San Francisco. a year later, as of this month, i no longer work for them. while this saddens me, i realize that i got an opportunity of a lifetime, one that not many people have and i am so thankful for the chances i got. the people i met and got to work with, the skills i learned (or learned to fake), and just the whole experience was something that cannot be bought nor easily obtained. i’m thankful for everything harmless-related and i eagerly look forward to seeing how the company fares in the future; a part of my heart will always now belong to them.
a year ago, i had taken time off from running, from yoga and i was getting bored. little did i know that in a few months time, i’d be rock climbing and swing dancing. i’m thankful for the friendships that have arisen out of these endeavors. i’m thankful for the new athletic abilities i’ve picked up and the confidence it’s given me. while i may reintegrate running back into my life, i’m happy to embrace rock climbing and swing dancing as new forms of exercise and stress release.
in a year, so much has happened for me to be thankful for and i’m happy. i still have my struggles but i think life is still on a good path.
When we wait to be perfect, we wait too long. We may wait forever and consequently miss every moment where our vulnerability would have been our victory. We have to love when we’re scared to lose.
Sometimes we have to try to take what we have rather than have what it takes – and go.
— Kristin Armstrong, Runner’s World
it’s been said that love is supposed to be unconditional. i read an article the other day that started with the man saying that he had discovered that “marriage was not for him”. he quickly followed it up with clarification as to what he meant — he simply meant that love was not something owed to him but something he gave. real, true love is unselfish, unconditional, and has to do more with what one can do for the other than what one gets out of the relationship.
as SM becomes a bigger part of my life, i’m realizing that i care more about what makes him happy. there are days when i still struggle with insecurity. when i wonder if i’m good enough for him, if he’s getting bored with me, if i’m coming across as too needy, if i’m pushing him away too much. and yet, most days i’m wonderfully secure in our relationship. it’s unconventional but it works and most importantly, it’s been honest. the honesty is what was missing from all my other relationships.
i’ll be leaving my job that i’ve held for the last nearly two years mid-November and i’m terrified. that’s basically all i’ve known and held constant since i moved to san francisco nearly two years ago. i know it’s a “good” thing and i’m young so it’ll just be the beginning of a journey but i still can’t help feel sad. it was my baby and i watched it grow from a little fledging company to what it is now.
i still don’t know how to share everything. i still keep secrets because i’m scared to air them. but i do know that i love him. and that’s one secret i can’t see mysef hiding for much longer.
it’s almost been a year.
every so often, i just need to write down all i’m feeling and so i leave it here, for the world to read. that boy? the one i met online nearly a year ago is still here and i just celebrated by twenty second birthday with him. i think the more time i spend with him, the more i fall for him. i think we’ve both been hurt and we both aren’t the type of share and/or offer up our feelings but i think we’re learning. he makes me want to be better at everything i do. his intelligence, his wit, his considerate heart, and his smile make me want to be better. there are days when i’ve just spent the last few days with him, when i get into my own bed, that i feel lonely. that, while i do very much enjoy having a bed to myself, a part of me is missing. there’s just some comfort in knowing that if i roll over, he’s there a foot away.
there’s just something about him that captivates me. he makes me giggle, laugh, snort in hilarity. and yet, he’s also able to coax out my real feelings: my opinions, what makes me sad, what i’m not comfortable with, what i want, my desires. i feel like, of almost everyone in my life, that i’ve ever met, he’s seen and known the most of me. i’d bare my heart and soul to him, willingly.that’s not to say i haven’t had doubts and reservations. and yet, through talk and discussions, and introspection, i think we came out stronger. as much as i don’t believe in “one true soul mate”, i feel like he may be the closest thing i’ve found so far. the thought of losing him terrifies me. i know if i were to lose him, i’d survive but it’d hurt.
he’s not perfect but he makes me feel perfect and he’s all i want.
"First, you think the worst is a broken heart.
What’s gonna kill you is the second part.
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle.
You’re goin’ through six degrees of separation."
— “Six Degrees of Separation”, The Script
"Pain makes us who we are. It teaches us and tames us. It can destroy and it can save.
When it happens, it takes our breath away."
— Pack Up the Moon, Anna McPartlin
"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me."
— Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
"It is impossible to say why we love something or someone. We can come up with reasons if we have to, but the important part happens in the dark, beyond our control. We just know when it is there. And when it goes away."
— John Ajvide Lindqvist, Little Star
"Don’t you ever say I just walked away,
I will always want you.
I can’t live a lie, running for my life."
— “Wrecking Ball”, Miley Cyrus
"We are all wear mask. Everyone, everyday and sometimes we wear them so much we forget who we really are; And sometimes if we are lucky someone comes along and shows us who we really wanna be, who we should be."
i love him. and i’m breaking my own heart.
i think he likes me enough. but he doesn’t love me. and something’s gone missing. and i can’t fix it. i don’t know how.
and like with all the other times, i’m too scared to walk away. part of me doesn’t think he’ll chase me. as a matter of fact, most of me knows he won’t. that if i were to ask that question, i wouldn’t like the answer i’d get. and so i don’t. i don’t want to lose him.
i met him a little over eight months ago and fell. i really thought this could work. i feel safe with him, and he feels like home. he never gave me reason to cry. if you asked me to list the reasons and quirks of his that i love, the list would be endless. the reasons i love him are endless but really, he just feels like coming home.
i don’t know what’s wrong. but something feels off. and today, when i saw him, i wanted to hold him and cry and yet, i also wanted to just punch him and scream. i still haven’t mastered the whole feelings thing.
i stare at him sometimes and my heart clenches. and i don’t know what to do. all i know is that he feels like coming home.
"You don’t get past it, it just becomes part of who you are."
— Echo, Dollhouse
"Turn your face to the sun and let the shadows fall behind you."
"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn’t happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less."
— Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past